What Are You Waiting For?

As I backed out of my driveway on a cloudy Tuesday in November, I was filled with fear, doubt, and a tiny bit of anticipation. I was heading to the Proverbs 31 Ministries She Speaks conference, a conference for aspiring writers and speakers that had been coming up in conversations with friends and strangers for a couple of years. I had looked up information about it a few times and I thought that maybe I’d go someday. But not yet. Someday, when I was ready.

Until I felt ready, I’d just read about it and keep it on the back burner. It seemed like a worthwhile investment and opportunity, but farther down the road. Then, in September, my friend Sarah mentioned it again. I looked up the information one more time, expecting (and probably subconsciously hoping) to see that it was taking place on days that I had something important to do, it was sold out, or the dates had passed. But this time I discovered that it had been rescheduled due to Hurricane Florence and the sold out conference now had spots available. I knew that this was yet another nudge for me to go. But, again, I contrived a long list of reasons why I should wait. Next year seemed to be a much better choice.

Truthfully, it wasn’t because of any of those reasons I’d rattled off. It was because I was scared out of my mind.

After I registered, I was ecstatic – for about 10 minutes. Within an hour, I wanted to back out. The night before I was supposed to leave, I announced to Adam that I’d changed my mind and didn’t want to go. Why? Because for me, going to this conference meant more than just signing up to learn some practical information. It meant that I was saying yes to this call to write. “It means I’m really going to do this, I’m really going to write a book”, I told him. And saying yes to that terrified me (and honestly still does most days).

I’d like to say that once I stepped into the building, all of my fears subsided and I breathed a sigh of relief, but then I wouldn’t be telling you the truth. When I walked in, I was even more afraid. I didn’t know anyone and I looked around at all of the women talking and laughing and wished that I would have had a friend to bring along. This was a bad idea, I thought to myself. Then I went to the desk and picked up my name tag that clearly stated why I was there – to develop a book proposal. I thought I might pass out. Every time I walked into a new session, I was faced with a room full of new people to go find a seat next to.

And the most agonizing part of all happened next – I had to introduce myself and tell them why I was there. That required me saying out loud, “I’m going to write a book.” Over and over again. I was still trying to get used to wearing it on a name tag around my neck for everyone to see, and then I had to say it out loud to people. I seriously wanted to go back to my hotel room and cry.

That’s when I realized just how few people I had ever really said that to. In fact, I think before that day I could count on one hand the number of people who I’d shared this dream with. Just like registering for the conference, saying it out loud to people made it more real – too real for my liking. I was still trying to get God to be satisfied with my “maybe” and not fully commit. I also realized that I really hadn’t told anyone that I was coming to this conference. This is actually something that several of us shared, how we didn’t tell people (even some of our closest family and best girlfriends) that we were coming or had tried to avoid talking about what we were actually going to be doing out of fear that they wouldn’t understand, would think we were ridiculous, or just laugh.

Before I left, I wrote this verse in the front cover of my notebook:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

I knew I would need that reminder once I got there. I was aware that I was stepping way outside of my comfort zone. But I am so glad that I took that step. I’m so glad that I didn’t turn my car around and drive back home. I took forty pages of notes those two days . Yes, you read that correctly, 4-0! I learned so many practical things about the writing world, but I think the greatest blessing from those two days was the encouragement that I received through the women that I met. Not only from Lysa TerKeurst and the other speakers, but from the women sitting at the table next to me. We were all able to push past the awkward first encounters and small talk to be authentic with one another about the hard parts of our stories that compel us to write.

I ended up leaving without a completed book proposal. And as much as it distressed me to not be able to check that box, I realized that what I did leave with was worth so much more than accomplishing that task. That work can be finished in time; having those women in front of me, listening and talking and allowing for real connection was what it really was about. My purpose in being there actually wasn’t producing or accomplishing at all. It was to be affirmed and encouraged, to feel more confident in choosing courage.

I was there to practice saying hard things out loud, over and over again, to be forced to embrace being uncomfortable.

What are you waiting for?

Are you waiting because God has made it clear that you need to be still? There are times when we are walking through a season of waiting. Sometimes waiting is truly an act of obedience. But, there are also times when our waiting is motivated by fear. Fear of what others will think, fear of the unknown, fear of making the wrong decision. When those fears are driving our choices, we choose to wait because it keeps us feeling comfortable. It means we don’t have to say yes or no and we can just stay right there in our familiar place. Staying in a place of waiting, of “maybe one day”, and “we’ll see” can feel so much better than actually taking a step forward. Are you waiting so that you can stay in that place, so that you can feel safe and secure? Seek the Lord in prayer and ask Him for discernment. Ask him to reveal to you your true motives and His plans. If it is fear that is causing you to pause and keeping you stuck, remember what we have been promised.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

‭Joshua‬ ‭1‬:‭9‬