the best is yet to be…

Tomorrow is almost here.

It seemed so far in the future for so long, but as it has gotten closer I have had many different emotions. I have known since my diagnosis in February that surgery would follow chemo. There were really no options to consider with chemo, I was simply told which drugs I would receive, but surgery was different in my case. I was given information and recommendations, but the choice was ultimately mine to make. For months I have researched, prayed, and talked to doctors and survivors about options. Deciding between a lumpectomy and mastectomy was a daunting task for me, but God provided such wise counsel and guidance each time that I needed it. By the time I finished chemo, I knew which surgery was right for me and what surgeons I would use. Even though I’d had numerous conversations about it with Adam and my close friends/family, I still cried the day that I told my nurse practitioner for the first time that I’d decided on a double mastectomy. It became more real that day, and has each day since then.

It was no surprise that this was coming next, but accepting this part has not been easy. Although I had pages full of questions ready for the appointments with the surgeons, I still left feeling so overwhelmed and with even more questions. There was so much new terminology and information to digest. I had read about most of it already, but it was different now that it was really happening soon – to me. I wasn’t reading facts or hearing someone else’s experience anymore, I was being told what was about to happen to me. This all made me very emotional. I began to feel overwhelmed by the surgery itself – did I really understand the procedures? Was I ready? Then I became scared of the surgery – was I going to wake up? Up until this point in my life, I’ve only been under anesthesia a couple of times and the only surgery I’ve had has been outpatient with no hospital stay. Then I started thinking about what recovery will be like, what I can’t do, what kind of pain I’ll be in, and what I will look like afterwards. As I packed my bag for the hospital yesterday, I realized that I thought I’d be packing a bag like this one day, but I thought it would be when I was preparing to go to the hospital to have a baby. I’m not bringing home a baby though, instead I’m coming home with a different body. Yesterday was one of those days when the temptation to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity was almost more than I could bear, and there were a lot of tears.

Thankfully I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends who push me to focus more on God and less on my circumstances.

I will admit that some days I have done that better than other days, but God’s grace is always there when I need it most. Today I have felt such peace, and I am ready to face tomorrow. Adam and I went for a boat ride on the river this afternoon and I adored this time being outside and being with him. I realized then and there that God wanted me to stop being sad about what I was losing and the pain I’d go through, and focus on the fact that this surgery is one more opportunity He is giving me to fight cancer so that I can have more sweet moments like these. I am thankful that I’ve been given this chance to fight and I am trusting that He will take care of the rest.

Tonight I also received this sweet gift from one of my very dear friends that reaffirmed what I’d been feeling all day. I believe God knew what I had been struggling with this week and put it on her heart to choose this perfect message to reiterate to me.

I have to be at the hospital at 7:00am tomorrow, and surgery will begin at 9:00am. It will last about 4 hours and I will have to stay at least 1 night, possibly 2. We will be wearing these shirts designed by a special young lady who is very near and dear to my heart.

Thank you so much for all of the cards, texts, emails, and Facebook posts this week. They have lifted my spirits so much. As always, we are so appreciative of your prayers. I’d like to ask you to pray for a few things specifically for tomorrow:

• Continued peace for me in the morning and that I can focus on God’s faithfulness instead of my fears
• Wisdom and guidance for the surgeons, nurses, and the rest of the medical team
• No complications during surgery
• A clear pathology report that the cancer is gone, and no cancer present in my lymph nodes (which would mean no radiation)
• Patience, strength, and comfort for Adam, my parents, my brother, my aunt, and my in-laws as they wait at the hospital
• Comfort, peace, and minimal pain during recovery
• That God would continue this work in drawing me closer to Him and continue to get all of the glory for carrying me through this season