Are you walking through a season of waiting?
If so, it probably feels much like winter, where the trees are bare and everything seems dormant and maybe even buried deep beneath the ice and snow. Are you longing for a new season, for a breakthrough, for change? Maybe you are waiting for a broken marriage to be repaired, a frail body to be healed, an empty void in your life to be filled. Maybe you’re yearning to meet your person and move on from your season of singleness or maybe you are waiting to finally feel settled in your new home or feel a sense of belonging after moving across the country.
The waiting is hard. No, the waiting is grueling.
The longing and loneliness and hopelessness can overwhelm you in an instant. You long for that new season to come, for two lines on that pregnancy test or to hear your doctor say that the medications are finally working. There isn’t anything you want more than your phone to light up with your daughter’s number. And when that call doesn’t come or your circumstances don’t change, the waiting can become a space filled with hopelessness, fear, and despair. If you add to the mix our inclination to compare our lives to every post we see on social media, it doesn’t take long to sink deeper to an even colder, darker place.
How, then, do we brave these inevitable winters? How do we walk through our seasons of waiting with expectant anticipation rather than with despair?
Though it’s not easy, it begins with acknowledging the nature of this season that we’re in. Winter is cold. There’s no way around it. No matter what you do, it’s not going to feel like a day lounging on the white sands of the Caribbean. As I sit in the frigid reality of my waiting, the last thing I feel is hopeful. I just feel numb and exhausted. Sometimes I am able to do a pretty good job of reigning in the yearning that I have to be a mom. Some days I can see a pregnancy announcement and smile, but some days I simply can’t. Some days I can hold your baby and feel pure joy and some days all I can feel is that my arms will again be empty when I give him back to you.
I am learning that I have to give myself permission to feel all of these things, and that I must also be honest about how I feel. I can’t beat myself up if I cry my way through the baby dedication at church (again) or when someone tells me I just don’t understand because I’m not a mom. Just the same way you have to give yourself grace when you cry alone after you hang up with another friend who has just gotten engaged or when you don’t get a call back for a second interview or when your parents are still separated when you just knew they’d be back together by Christmas. Don’t apologize for feeling the loneliness or the hurt. Feel it, but don’t let it steal your joy.
Acknowledging these feelings is important, but at the same time we have to remember to grab a hold of hope and the promise of what is to come.
As these feelings start to arise, it is all too easy to let them take up residence and then allow myself begin to slowly sink into a state of despair. Satan would have me believe that having hope would take energy that I don’t have and would also put me at risk of being let down. Each day that I wake up and nothing has changed, I am tempted to grow more and more convinced that this is just the way it’s going to be. Forever. But that is not so. And I have to speak this truth to myself over and over again. I have to tell myself, seriously, tell myself out loud, that it will not always be this way.
A new season is coming. And how do I know this? Because God promises that it is, and it always has. Look at where you were one year ago today, five years ago today. Things may not have changed in every aspect of your life, or even in the one you’ve wanted most, but things have indeed changed. Maybe you need to look back even farther, dig deeper, to remind yourself of how many times God has brought you into a new season. I so quickly forget those times or don’t connect them with my current struggles. Maybe you have forgotten, too. The winter might be long, but it’s not going to last forever. The night seems unending, but dawn always comes.
What I’ve longed for during the winter seasons of my life has been different through the years, and the new season that came after each of them has always looked much different from what I expected. This time 7 years ago I was trudging through one of the coldest, darkest winters of my life. You would be hard pressed to find a girl who felt more broken and lost than I did at 26 years old. But I still thought I knew exactly what my spring would look like, what would be there when the snow finally melted.
I placed a lot of my hope in those expectations, in how I thought God should and would answer my prayers.
Much to my surprise, that new season that God ushered me into looked absolutely nothing like what I thought it would. And now, at 33, so many things look vastly different than I thought they would. But this season is good, really good. And not because everything is perfect now or my life is packaged up nicely and tied neatly with a bow. Sorry to disappoint, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. What I’ve found is that it doesn’t have to be. It can be messy and farther from your plan than you could have dreamed, but it can still be good. Maybe redemption doesn’t mean reconciliation. Maybe the beauty from the ashes doesn’t look like the picture of beauty in your mind you’ve held tightly to for so long. It may not be what you are asking for or what you envision, but it will be good because He is good.
During these last days of Advent, as you wait for December 25th to celebrate the birth of Christ, you wait in expectation knowing that the baby is coming. On Christmas Day, when the waiting is over and you celebrate His birth, let this be a reminder to you that your winter of waiting will also one day come to an end.
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:2, 6
Beautiful! Straight from the heart!
Thank you!
Lauren, this is just beautiful. Love the part about feeling the hurt and loneliness (it’s impossible not to!), but not letting it steal your joy. You have a gift…thank you for sharing it!
Thank you for reading, Nikki. Yes, I think that it sometimes the hardest part for me because I tend to feel guilty for having those feelings. But there is grace for me in those moments, and I have a choice in whether or not to stay stuck in those feelings.
I always love reading you blog and love your outlook on life we all have very dark times and struggles it is so important to remember to wake every morning and thank God for his grace , mercy , love and forgiveness no matter our circumstances we must make the best of what we have and let God’s Grace shine through I believe it’s okay to cry when we miss someone that is no longer with us or if a loved ones health is failing. For me losing my daughter truly is a battle everyday memories will flood my heart and mind some are so happy some hold regret and her friends are now getting married and having children and those invitations are so very bittersweet but I find it best that I pray that they are happy and their lives are good they were my daughter’s friends so I have known them a very long time it truly hurts so badly knowing I will never see her get married or hold a precious baby of hers but I had to learn to be happy for others and not be bitter that took years but I now understand God had different plans she was a gift and he needed her back I so loved my 20 years with her I still cry in the night and sometimes in the grocery store but ultimately I know and understand that there will always be cold , dark and just plain hard days but God is with me through it all he is my rock and I lean on his promises and I know the cold , bleak winters of our lives do not last forever we truly need God and he will ease our pain and sorrow even in my daughters death there I were so many gifts from God that took along time to be reveal just a few she looked like sleeping no terrible scars to haunt me God knew I couldn’t handle that , her daddy got off work earlier than normal that day he got to see her tell her she looked so pretty and kiss her goodbye if God didn’t give him that gift he would have probably had to struggle to remember the last time he saw her he was working so much ,the day before the car accident we had a long talk she told me she loved me and couldn’t do life without me I told her the same I had a very strong need to ask her about her salvation and she was told me she was good with God and if something happened to her tomorrow she knew she would go to heaven to be with God, a true gift i knew she had been saved but needed to know for certain what a blessing to know she was sure about her faith she was a organ donor and help save lives as she was leaving this world she never regained consciousness but wasn’t in any pain and her loved ones and friends were able to tell her whatever they needed to before she passed all gifts and there were many more I will keep your in my prayers sweet girl
Beverly, thank you for sharing your heart and all you’ve felt in losing Whitney. I know Christmas must be especially hard and you will be in my prayers. Praying that you will feel God’s comfort and peace especially during this season. Thank you for always reading and encouraging me with your words!
Sometimes if I’m wondering if God has heard my prayers, I remind myself he sometimes is heard in the voice of others. Thus it is today. Thank you.
That is so true. It’s easy to forget that He can work that way but so often does!
Beautifully written! Reading this has so blessed and encouraged me. Thank you Lauren!
I’m grateful that you were encouraged by it, Jan. Thank you for reading!
What a blessing! You’ve covered such a variety of winters, from loneliness to fighting for life itself. Each winter individualized, looking differently to each person. But of course, Jesus is the same today, yesterday, and forever. and we are wrapped in the warmth of His love through every season. Thank you for reminding us of that.
You are so right, it looks different for everyone at different times. And, yes, what we can hold onto is that He remains constant through it all.