A Grateful Heart

  Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

Today is the day when many people stop and take time to put into words all that they’re thankful for. It’s amazing how long the list can get when you actually take the time to really think about  those things, but too often we’re more inclined to focus on the other things – the things we don’t have. I’m not just talking about material things, but any circumstance in our life that we feel isn’t working out according to our plan of the way our life ought to be.

It doesn’t seem to take much effort to focus on all of the things we wish were different about our lives – the things that we wish would have never happened, situations we hoped would have turned out differently, people who we wish were still around, and those prayers that we’re still waiting for answers to.

We are always going to have those things. They will look different through all of the changing seasons of our lives, but they will always be there. We have a choice to make each day though. We can dwell constantly on those things that we wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves, or we can choose to focus on that list we are thinking of today on Thanksgiving.  I’d love to be able to say that every day since my diagnosis I have woken up and chosen to be grateful, but some days I’ve struggled to accept this cancer journey and found myself wishing I could just go back to being “normal” again. Thankfully God’s grace is enough and He has gotten me through those days. There have been way more needles, IVs, shots, blood draws, stitches, scans, procedures, consultations, surgeries, and pain medication prescriptions this year than I ever cared to have in my life – a nightmare for the queasy girl who at 19 passed out and hit her head on a water fountain on the way down following a TB skin test.

Aside from all of that, I’ve also had so many different emotions to deal with. There were days when I would look at all of the cancer-free people around me and wish I could be like them again.

I wanted to go on a honeymoon the week after my wedding, not have surgery to get a port placed in my chest. I did not want my husband to have a bald wife in our first month of marriage, and I definitely didn’t want to spend my summer going through chemo and preparing for a mastectomy. I wanted to be able to get my hair done like all of the other bridesmaids before my sweet friend’s wedding, not be wearing a wig. Sometimes when I see pictures of my friends’ precious babies, I am tempted to start feeling sad that being a mom isn’t going to be an option for me for several years now, if at all. But I know that I have to stop myself, or pretty soon I’ll be throwing a great big pity party for myself. I’m not saying that I never let myself cry or feel sad, those feelings still come, but I’ve learned that I can hope in the midst of that pain and that I can continue to give thanks and praise to God through it as well. I can control how I respond to those feelings and I can ask God to help me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and letting bitterness take root, I have to choose to look for things to be thankful for. I look for anything, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Right now I am thankful to need to use a hairbrush again. Although reconstruction has been a longer process than expected and I will be spending every day leading up to holidays getting radiation, I am grateful that I have finally started I am set to have my last treatment on New Year’s Eve!

I am most thankful for the good Heavenly Father that we serve who knows exactly what we need. He answers prayer, and although not always in the way we expect or hope for, always in the way that He knows is best for us. Although I don’t understand why some things happen, I do know that He allows these trials and this pain to help accomplish His plans. It’s my responsibility to trust His plan and not think I have an idea for my life that is better than His. This is my new “normal” and God gave it to me for a reason. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬