A Difficult Decision

February 18th was the first day that I woke up knowing that I had cancer.

That first morning, and many mornings after that, I opened my eyes and for a split second didn’t remember that anything about my life had changed. Then the horrible feeling would wash over me as I remembered that I had cancer. I wanted to pull the covers back up and go back to sleep, where I didn’t have to think or wonder what would happen next. I went to work that Wednesday as usual, to teach my 2nd graders. I made it through the motions of the day; my mind was occupied with my to-do list and routines at school. But when I walked into my apartment that afternoon and sat alone with my thoughts, I began to realize all of the things that I had been looking forward to and counting on in life were no longer so promising. I hadn’t even realized how much hope I was placing in those things until I began to grieve them that afternoon.

As I wrestled with accepting this diagnosis in light of all of the things it threatened to take from me, I knew that I had a decision to make. I had to decide to accept this story that had been written for me or wallow in self-pity and anger. I knew that my emotions would swallow me whole if I allowed them to. I took out my journal and put words to my worst fears. I thought about everything I was most afraid of losing and of walking through. It wrecked me. But there was something about writing it all down, bringing it to light, that gave me the courage to make my decision. And that decision that I made that day is what I still go back to time and time again.  I don’t always feel like it, in fact I probably never feel like it to be honest, but I know that choosing acceptance and joy is the only way. Choosing it even when I don’t feel like it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I know that I must make a choice. A choice to accept having breast cancer. Here on earth, glorifying God is my purpose. If having breast cancer is the way it has been written in my story for me to do that, then I have to accept it. But what if that means that I will die and not be able to have a full life and family with Adam? If that is my story, can I still believe God is good and sovereign? Yes. I can and I will. God, help me be at peace with a mastectomy, not being able to have children, or death, if this is what you allow. I need to say yes to accepting these things and trust God even in these circumstances.  I can’t see what He is doing, but I know that I can trust Him. 

Though I am terrified of dying, though this isn’t what I want, though I may not get to marry Adam, though I may not ever have children, though I see my family hurting, though I see Adam hurting. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength, he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. (Habakkuk 3:17-19 rewritten with my fears).

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